Fangirlville
by Christy Leigh Stewart
Summary: Superhusbands Tony and Steve are trying to raise their son, Peter, in a nice suburban neighborhood but living next to Mutanthusbands Erik and Charles and their gaggle of children is making that impossible. What's worse, they now have to deal with the clichéd drama of star–crossed lovers now that Wade has set his sights on Peter.
1. Chapter 1

"I don't know if we should be doing this," Steve said as Tony reached out to ring their neighbor's doorbell. "If Peter finds out we're over here he's going to be really embarrassed."

"Steve, honey, we've talked about this; we have to do what's best for our son. If he doesn't learn to be mortified by his parents now he may never get the chance and then he'll never ended in therapy and behind every successful man there is a well-paid therapist. Trust me."

Whether Steve would concede or argue became inconsequential as door flew open and a petulant teenage girl stormed through the two of them.

"I get blamed for everything around here!" Raven all but screamed to her fathers who were giving chase.

"No one is blaming you," Charles insisted, giving Steve and Tony and apologetic nod in greeting as he wheeled passed them. Erik, Charles's husband, stopped in the doorway looking far less apologetic.

"Can I help you gentlemen?" Erik asked, creating quite the barrier to his home now that the door was out of the equation.

"Should we come back later?" Steve asked.

"It's a treat to hear all the screaming up close for once," Tony said at the same time.

Not surprisingly Tony was the one Erik decided to respond to, "And it delights me that you now have the opportunity to experience it as at close a range as I do. Just be glad Sean is at soccer, he's the real loud one."

Charles joined them, sans his daughter, "Sorry about that," he apologized. "It's just been complete drama this morning; my husband caught our son Alex burning Hank's cardigans but Alex swears it must've been Raven in his shape. Obviously it can get confusing around here."

"I hope you are too hard on Raven," Erik distinctly avoided Charles's eyes. "I lied, I burned Hank's wardrobe. And before you say anything just think of how hard atime he's been having at school and how little those faggy jackets are going to help. Not that you don't look great in them."

"What was it you needed?" Charles asked Tony and Steve, deciding to completely ignore Erik.

"It's about your son; the one who lives in the tree house." Tony nodded toward the backyard as if it wasn't clear what he meant.

"He's not our son," Erik quickly informed them.

"We haven't officially adopted him," Charles explained tentatively, "he just sort of… refuses to leave. What exactly is he doing now?"

Before Tony could say anything Steve placed a quieting hand on his arm. "We've noticed that he spends most of his time using binoculars to stare into her son's bedroom and were concerned with how…" He was at a loss for any sort of diplomatic wording.

"He's weird and creepy and we don't want him around Peter," Tony finished for him.

"It's okay," Erik responded to the horrified look on Steve's face, "We agree. Come on around the back and we'll have a word with him."

Once in the backyard the men looked up into what they all knew to be an unusually quiet tree house. It might have fooled most people but the four of them had enough of a history in dealing with children and the criminally insane to know a silent tree house was a deadly tree house.

"Wade," Charles called up, "We need to talk to you."

"Ocupado," a thickly (and inaccurately) accented voice answered back and Wade's masked face eased into sight through the whole at the bottom of his makeshift home.

"You leave that boy next door alone," Erik ordered.

"You tell him to stop being so sexy," Wade countered.

Tony had started up the ladder before he finished the last syllable. "I'll beat you so hard you'll forget you can't die!"

Wade disappeared as suddenly as he appeared and a plume of Taco Bell wrappers rained down in his wake. Steve moved to put an end to what could only end badly but Erik and Charles simultaneously gestured for him to hold.

"Honestly," Charles said over the deafening tones of the physical struggle overhead, "if Tony can get him out of there it would be doing us a huge favor."

"I'm going to miss me when I'm gone!" Wade shouted a warning to whoever was listening, but nobody was.


	2. Chapter 2

Peter's instincts were such that with the with first tap on his second story bedroom window he became fully alert, even having been awoken from the middle of a deep sleep.

Peter's powers of deduction were so sharp that with the second tap he realized that someone was throwing pebbles up against the glass from below.

Wade's patients were so thin that he discarded the third pebble in favor of a baseball sized rock and shattered the window to pieces.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your web!"

"Oh my God," Peter shrieked, tentatively leaning out the window to avoiding any sharp edges. "My dads are going to be so pissed."

"Come on, I have beer." Wade triumphantly held a six pack over his head and took off back over the fence toward his tree house next door, no doubt in his mind that Peter would follow.

And, of course, he did.

Peter internally berated himself for his stupidity; it was one of the few nights his parents actually let him stay home alone while they were out at a party and here he was leaving the house busted open, chasing after their least favorite person, and partaking in his first alcoholic beverage.

Eventually he did convince himself to turn around and avoid disaster but at that point he was already up in the trash–filled tree house with a can of warm, stale beer to his lips and it was too late; he was already a hooligan.

Pitching the bottom of this mask, Wade pulled it up just far enough to take a swig from his own can. He moved quickly but it was Peter's first view of the gnarled skin he constantly hid and Peter's chest became too heavy for him to force another drink down his throat.

"It won't bother me if you want to take it off; I don't care," Peter said, intending to be thoughtful, but realized it was obviously the wrong thing to say as he watched Wade's body stiffen an experienced the first silence between them. "Not that you have to take off either," Peter added quickly.

"I'll make you a deal," Wade said even as he tugged his mask down more snugly, "I'll take off my mask if you take off your pants."

Presented with a convenient way out of an uncomfortable situation, Peter was desperate to latch onto it like a lifeline but it didn't seem fair. He had obviously hurt Wade's feelings and letting Wade fix it with what was obviously a self-deprecating joke wasn't right.

Besides, Peter was cool. He had snuck out of his house and was drinking beer, he could be funny too.

"That sounds fair." Peter got to his feet to make grand show of unbuckling his belt. That was all he had intended to do but when that alone sent Wade into a hysterical coughing fit he felt encouraged to do more. Maybe he'd strip completely down and run drunkenly through the streets like a crazy person. Like a crazy, adventurous, wild teenager who didn't give a shit about his grades… And also cursed and shit, even around adults.

It was at that moment, as wild abandon almost engulfed him, that his father, Tony, climbed up into the tree house.

Wade's coughing got worse and Peter fell hard to his knees to misdirect whatever it look like she was doing. Especially if what it looked like what he was doing was really what he was doing…

"We were almost home when I got a call from Erik telling me the neighborhood pervert had broken into my house and had walked off my son," Tony said in an eerily calm voice and uncomfortably settled himself onto the hardwood floor. "At first I thought, no way, not my Peter. Not responsible, intelligent boy."

The teaspoon of beer in Peter's stomach curdled as he listened to his father's highly effective reprimand.

"But then," Tony continued, "Erik tells me that you two are carrying beer and I think… Maybe he's more of my son than I thought." He held out a hand and Wade passed him a beer before he could finish saying, "Give me one of those. We've got three minutes until Steve is up here seeing what's taking me so long; who drinks what and how much in these next thee minutes stays between us, got it?"

"Dad?" Peter hedged, "am I in trouble?"

"Like you wouldn't fucking believe.


	3. Chapter 3

"This is nice."

"It really is."

"We should've done this sooner."

"We should definitely do it again."

"That's a great idea."

Erik mimicked putting a gun to his mouth and Tony laughed, immediately quieting the niceties that were passing between their husbands.

"But maybe next time it should just be the two of us?" Steve suggested.

"I wholeheartedly agree." Charles raised his glass in salute.

It was Steve's idea for the four of them to go out to dinner; it was meant to be a chance for them to meet outside of the drama that their children created but it ended up being mostly silent anxiety.

"Is no one else worried about going back home to find our houses burnt to the ground?" Erik asked.

"I know that's literally a problem for you," Tony said, "but Peter is going to be on his best behavior for a while after that last stunt with the alcohol."

"And we got him a babysitter," Steve added.

Erik and Charles were silent for a moment before they both began to laugh and Erik muttered, "more like diapers…"

"Sorry, that was rude," Charles didn't sound apologetic for his psychic gossiping but apologetic was hard to pull off while still laughing. "Who did you get to babysit your almost full-grown, teenage son?"

"The goth kid from the family just just moved in across the street." Tony was one chuckle away from ending the night early but the humor suddenly died out as quickly as it has started.

"The family from, you know?" Erik pointed out toward ceiling.

"Yeah, the Nordic Cloud City or whatever. Why? What's wrong with them?"

– – –

"You know," Loki was suddenly not content with looking and began to run his hands along Peter's sides, "you have a really nice frame, it would look even better in heels; do you know your size?"

"My shoe size? In heels? Do they even make heels in men's sizes?" Peter asked.

The way Loki chuckled at his question sent foreboding shivers down Peter spine.

"Forget about the shoes," Loki gently placed a hand on Peter's knee, "do you know how to tuck?"

"Tuck what?"

"Oh, fuck!" The voice that cursed was unfamiliar to Loki but Peter knew immediately who was about to crawl from around the back of the couch. "Can you guys pause this?" Wade asked, "I need new pants, I just splooged in these.


	4. Chapter 4

"You know how much your father I love you, don't you?"

Having Captain America as a parent had two downfalls:

1. Every history teacher from first grade on expects you to stand up in front of the class and give an accurate description of World War II

2. When you get in trouble you feel like you disappointed the whole country

"I know you love me, Pop."

"We don't want to keep grounding you, it's just, we don't know what to do with you right now. There's a cliché that says children don't come with an instruction manual, but even if they did, there wouldn't be a chapter on sociopaths that live in trees or drag queens from outer space."

Peter just barely stopped himself from commenting on the accuracy of that cliché. He was already in enough trouble.

"We moved to the suburbs to give you a normal life," Steve went on in his 'good cop' voice, "but now Tony is talking about moving to the moon. Literally. He's downstairs drawing up plans for a moon base."

"I don't want to live on the moon!" The threat was probably empty but it still brought him to tears.

"It's all right." Steve gathered Peter into his arms and stroked the back of his head protectively. "All we need is some peace and quiet and no one will have to go to the moon."

"I can do that. Peace and quiet. I promise."

– – –

"Why is there a bomb in the middle of the cul-de-sac?" Charles asked, not even taking the risk at looking in Wade's mind for the answer.

"And why is it so god damn big?" Erik asked.

Wade, to his credit, attempted to look meek. As meek as one could behind a face mask and in front of a bomb that stood taller than he did. "I made it for the Fourth of July. I couldn't decide between a float or a fireworks show, so I made both."

"Is this about the twink that lives next door? –– I mean, that kid Peter?" Charles belatedly caught himself mimicking what Erik called the neighbor's boy in private but it was too late, neither of the other men could hear him correct himself over their own laughing and high-fiving.

"Okay," Erik said when he finally caught his breath, "now that nothing will compare to how perfect that moment just was, let's set this thing off. I'll deal with the shrapnel and we'll give the kids each a bucket of water; it'll be fine."

– – –

Peter wasn't allowed to get near a window (all of which had been shattered to pieces) but whatever had happened outside left and deaf for almost a half hour and when he's hearing finally came back the first thing he heard was his Dad doing what he hoped was a Honeymooners impression, "Straight to the moon, Steve!"


End file.
